


What The Maker Doesn't Give to You...

by d3vilsivy



Series: Blackbird Sings for the Dead [2]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Blue Hawke (Dragon Age), Fluff, Gen, M/M, Mentions of Reproductive Functions, Other, Pining, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, check the notes if u suspicious, i swear this isnt quite as medical as it sounds, magical transition cus fuck why not, transition talk, u kno anders is a tease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24258718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/d3vilsivy/pseuds/d3vilsivy
Summary: Lonan Hawke has a problem, and Anders has a better solution for it than he'd ever dreamed possible.
Relationships: Anders/Male Hawke
Series: Blackbird Sings for the Dead [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1749787
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	What The Maker Doesn't Give to You...

He should have done this ages ago, before they went to the Deep Roads, before he nearly got his sister killed and had to send her away with the Wardens. His guilt over that would always be a chain around his neck, but he had more immediate concerns he'd been neglecting and he had reached his breaking point.

His body temperature had been all over the map, his emotional state steadily more erratic than normal, and just today he'd begun finding spots of blood in his smallclothes. Though it was probably too late now to prevent the looming week of misery they heralded, it was enough to push him to finally seek out help… from the person he'd been desperately pining after since the day they'd met.

It wasn't exactly ideal, but he didn't know anyone else capable who he could trust with this information. And if anything ever did happen between them, he'd rather Anders knew ahead of time what he was getting into. If he even wanted to after today, that is. Worry gnawed at his stomach. Or maybe it was just cramps. Either way, he needed to get this over with.

He made his way through darktown on pure muscle memory, making no eye contact, barely seeing anything around him. He felt himself begin to breathe deeply again once he reached the clinic and saw the door open, lantern lit.

The inside was blessedly quiet, with only a couple of recuperating patients resting on cots. Anders was at his desk, chicken-scratching away with a vengeance. He looked up when Lonan walked in, and a crooked smile crept over his freckled face. Gods, it just wasn't fair.

"Hawke. What can I do for you?"  
"I have some, uh, personal business to discuss."  
"Oh?" Anders said, rising from his rickety chair. "We can talk in the back, if you'd like. But you can't judge my housekeeping, I wasn't expecting a visitor."  
"I wouldn't dream of it."

Lonan followed him to the tiny back room that served as Anders' living space. It was cramped, and certainly untidy, but not uncomfortably so. Anders waved his hand to light a candle, sat on the edge of his rumpled cot, and gestured for Lonan to join him.

"So. What's this about? If you've been fucking Isabela, I have bad news for you."  
"You're too hard on her, Anders." Lonan chuckled softly.  
"Well, she's hard on my supplies! As if I didn't already have enough drunks wandering in with itchy groins. I'm going to have to start paying Merrill more, for all the herbs I go through just making creams for these people."  
"You say that like you've never been one of those people, but Isabela loves to kiss and tell."  
Anders huffed. "At least I can make my own medicine for it."

Lonan fixed his gaze on the ground. "But no, that's not what I'm here for, though I suppose it's not wholly unrelated. I… Bethany had been doing treatments for a certain condition I have. I should have asked you about this long before we went to the Deep Roads, but I wasn't sure if I could truly trust you yet."  
"And now?"  
"Bethany got a chance to survive because of you. I'll never forget that." Lonan knew his admiration must be plain on his face, but he couldn't help it; and he could swear he saw a light flush settle over Anders' cheeks in the dim candle-light.  
"She's a fine young woman. I'm glad I was able to help, even if the adjustment to Warden life is… difficult." he paused before changing the subject. "I'm curious about this condition, though. You seem to be in good physical health."

Lonan sighed. "That's where the trust comes in. I… ah, for lack of better phrasing, I wasn't born with male parts."  
"Oh," Anders said, eyebrows rising. Lonan rambled on anxiously.  
"I've known I wasn't a girl ever since I could understand the difference, and my father knew enough unusual magic to be able to help me a little once I hit puberty. He taught Beth when he fell ill, and she took over for him. But now…"  
"Maker, you've been without for over a month?"  
Lonan's head snapped up. "You know about this kind of thing?"  
"I should hope so, considering I've lived through it."

They sat in a stunned silence for a moment.

"I… I've never met someone else like me before," Lonan said softly. "At least, not knowingly."  
"Well, that's kind of the idea, right? To be indistinguishable."  
"I suppose you're right. It's lonely, though."  
"Not anymore," Anders said with a grin, bumping shoulders with Lonan. He smiled sheepishly, trying very hard not to cry. For all the treatments had done for him, he could still tear up at the drop of a hat.

"Wanna know something crazy?" Anders said, voice low and conspiratorial.  
"Sure," Lonan replied, letting out a shaky little huff of laughter.  
"Changing my body was what got the Templars called on me."  
"Holy shit. How old were you?"  
"No older than ten, I think."  
"But that's before--wait, what do you mean by changing your body?"  
"I mean changing everything."

Lonan stared, mouth agape. Anders took the liberty of reaching out for his scruffy chin and closing his mouth for him. He looked up to see the mage smiling.

"...How did you manage that at ten years old?"  
"I've always had an aptitude for spirit healing. I guess my connection with the spirits was strong enough that I sort of… wished it into reality, and they listened. My parents were horrified when they finally noticed. They told the Templars I threw lightning at them instead, to cover their shame."  
"Wow."  
"I mean, there _was_ lightning, but I wasn't in control of it." He paused thoughtfully, before leaning in close to Lonan's reddening ear. 

"I'll tell you another secret," he whispered. A shiver ran down the poor man's spine. "I still enjoy a nice, breezy dress from time to time."  
"I'm sure you look incredible," Lonan said somewhat breathlessly, unable to meet his eyes.  
"Maybe sometime I'll put on a little fashion show, just for you." He was close enough that his breath tickled Lonan's ear, close enough to kiss… but just as suddenly, he'd retreated back to a normal distance.

Lonan let out a heavy breath, and Anders laughed. "But you didn't come here to hear my life's story. I really do want to help you."  
"I appreciate it."  
"What would you want to change, if you don't mind my asking?"  
"I started treatments young enough that my chest never really, uh, developed. But I always worried someone would catch me with my pants down and that would be it for me."  
"Have you thought about it much?"  
"Hmm?"  
"All I mean is, now that you know it's possible, it might be worth it to sleep on it for a few days so you know it's really what you want to do. I'll need a little time to get some Lyrium potions, anyway. The procedure itself would be a full day's work."  
"I can get you the Lyrium if you tell me how much you need. I'll be paying you for your work, too."  
"Maker, Hawke, we're friends, you don't have to do that."  
"I want to. This means a lot to me, and what the hell else am I supposed to do with all this money? If you won't let me help you any other way, at least let me do this."

Anders snorted, but didn't push it further. "I can go ahead and do what your sister had been doing, for today."

A thought occurred to Lonan. 

"Have you done this for other people before?"  
"Just a handful. I'm not going to mangle your body, if you're worried about that," he said with a laugh. "It's mostly drawn from what your mind knows you need, anyway, and the spirits fill in the gaps for the things you and I don't understand about the body. I don't have much say over someone else's transformation, I just... facilitate it. 

Now, if you want to lay down, I can try to make up for all those weeks you let pass before you came to me." His tone was teasing but firm, driving home the unspoken point that he did not want Lonan to suffer in silence. 

Lonan felt he must be the luckiest person in the world, to have found someone like this.

**Author's Note:**

> bamboo bones is a song by against me! 
> 
> hello i am a certified tran and i just want everyone to know that the nice spirits love you and want you to be happy, and that anders has big trans energy, and also that trans ppl are scientifically proven to be drawn to each other just like stand users in jojo
> 
> anyway i hc that they both skew more nb than male, but i dont wanna fuck with suspension of disbelief too much based on the in-game culture/state of scientific progress so i intentionally kept the wording vague, but in modern terms they would id as nonbinary


End file.
